Advice for the Christian Divorced Woman

divorced woman

I don’t mean to be such a downer today but I have been doing some thinking that I have never thought of until today. I’ve been divorced two times. My second marriage ended the same way as the first. My husband left me for another woman. In the tragedy that still secretly haunts me today I am able to reflect on it ten or more years later. I do not want to make this too long and end with a depressed reader nor am I going to pretend and make anyone happy.

From the start of my divorced life I felt like an untouchable. And if some readers remember me saying that 10 years ago, then you know that I am telling you from the beginning what it felt like. It brought me to a horrible depression and I hated to be in the presence of people. I hated even more to be in the presence of young couples. It was a bitterness. In my mind, they were not going to last and I felt like I had inside information as to what would happen to them in five years. I prayed hard those beginning years and it was a spiritual journey trying to find where I belong in life and in the church. At the end of my marriage I became a Christian. I had no where else to turn to but Jesus. Nothing else worked but Jesus was my Saviour. If I had nothing in the world, at least I had my salvation.

I don’t think any woman can understand just how hard it was to go through. The pain was tremendous! It was a betrayal of all betrayals and I don’t think anyone who has never gone through such a tragedy will ever understand how horrible it is. The more you loved and trusted your husband, then the more hurt you will be for sure. It is a long drawn out bed ridden pain where you feel like you are dying. Before I even knew that Psalm 22 was about Christ, I saw this verse as a new Christian and it described the pain I was feeling in my heart.

Psalms 22:14   I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint: my heart is like wax; it is melted in the midst of my bowels.

Some things I have learned is that, you are physically alone. Don’t expect to be helped by your friends as much as you want to. One of my friends left when I would call her crying all the time talking about my divorce. You will drive people away. They can’t take it and as much as they are good people wanting to help, they won’t be able to help like you want them to. Save your friendships and don’t call them so much and just bear the pain on your own and pray for God to heal you. Stay away from Psych Drugs, Yoga and Eastern Meditation and anything that would compromise your faith. You will have to depend on the Lord more than ever!

Do not hang around married people any longer. Leave them alone. Their husband already considers you to be a bad influence and a bitter woman and he is waiting to blame you. You have nothing in common with them anymore. Leave them alone. Don’t hate them and be kind to them at church with a smile and a positive attitude but leave it at that. From now on, married women are your acquaintances. They don’t understand what happened to you and never will. Even the pastor and pastors wife as nice as they are…..keep a distance and let them live their lives. Unfortunately they will also be ignorant and consider you to be a pitiful person they think they need to be extra nice to. Be nice and kind and continue to do good in the church. Remember that you will never be a role model in the church. Keep a distance and be meek and quiet. Do not be loud and boastful and demanding. Do not gossip or  be controlling or try to be a manager of anything. Keep at a distance with all people at your church. I say this so that you may guard your heart. The married couple is on a special mission from the Lord and they are on a different journey than you are. They have been blessed with marriage and it has its own difficulties and joys. I don’t want to say that marriage is better but it probably is. This is the zenith of all human relationships and what God has designed for men and women to be fruitful and multiply and set as an example to their community and church. Let them concentrate on their homes, their children and their spouse in the Lord.

In a way you will always be the outcast. It took me a long time to come to terms with this but this is the reality and because of it you will always be as if you are unofficially banished and cursed in the church. I wish it could be different but this is our place in the church to be on the sidelines as sidekicks to the rest of everyone else. It seems like punishment but learn to deal with it and keep positive and content. God has His eyes on you and will work in your life as He does everyone else. God has had mercy on you to get through the divorce and if you have kids, God wants you to be responsible Christian parents. Your main ministry as a divorced parent is the children. There are many dangers for your children and people will constantly be trying to take them from you and lead them into the wrong way. One of my sons was taken from me from my first ex-husband and he only visited once a week. In my mind I kept saying that my ex will receive punishment at the judgement for doing this to me. It sounds awful but the Lord is to get vengeance for injustice not us. I never wanted to be friends with either of my ex husbands after. They both remarried and have other kids. The Lord asks us to forgive and we shouldn’t hate them or try to destroy them like they did to us. Protect your children in every way you can but don’t try to be spiteful and mean to the other family even if they are wicked and deserving of revenge. Let them live their lives and pray that they get saved. Don’t try to be their best friend and stay in their lives. Let them go.

The relationship you should be closest to is your children and your parents and to your family. Be on your best behavior and try not to scream at the top of your lungs. Don’t call anyone names and don’t make any reason for people to blame you for anything either. Never be lazy and don’t let yourself go. Eating and relaxing feel good but think of your body as a machine that needs care and be concerned with your health so that your kids are healthy and you will live a long time. You have some extra time so learn about cooking and herbal remedies.  Get hobbies. Don’t spend too much time online or watching TV. There are always things to do around the home too.  Learn to stir up conversations with people in town. My son took the bus with me the other day to work and realized that I knew all these people on the way. I would know the people at small businesses on the way and people who usually take the bus. I would sit with the school crossing guards making up conversation. I would even talk to people who were mentally challenged. I love those people so much because they are always so friendly and happy. I would be friendly to the bus driver and always say Good Morning and give him or her a smile. Be friendly to people, it really starts a lot of friendships and you will learn to be able to talk to a variety of people. Fortunately, I also have a dog. I think she keeps me sane and she seems to listen to whatever I have to say.

Now you are like a nun in some ways. You will spend more time concerned about the Lord. I’ve never really thought of myself as Hagar because when I think of her, I think of her as a symbol of Islam. That she was put into the family and she though she deserved more and got arrogant about her son. Her son then was the love of his father but in the end, he became an enemy nation. In the New Testament, Hagar is the symbol of a false wife and paganism since she was from Egypt. Today I thought of her as being a divorced woman. Her place was odd and she had the place of a servant to Sarah. Sarah is the married woman and Hagar is the concubine, the woman not loved. I think that is why I chose my alias to be Leah….because she wanted to be married and loved but came in second to Rachel. We will never be Rachel or Sarah. Our place is a quiet one in the shadows of the married ones. We will not be loved like them ever. It is a very  harsh reality. I learned the hard way that we are not to be married. Even when I tried to date again, it never worked. And in my mind I have been scarred and messed up by men never to trust one again with my heart. After some years later, I realized that the divorced woman is not to be married again. You will be causing another man to commit adultery. In the Christian life, the divorced man or woman should learn to be alone. Out of realm of Christianity, they can remarry because they really don’t care what God says or the bible. No where in scripture does not say that the divorced woman who is a Christian can marry again. I’ve come across many who have remarried as Christians and when I say my view they think I am posing sadness on my own life to do such a thing. No, I know I am not to be married again and it is like the life of a eunuch sometimes. The Lord wants us to learn to have joy and be whole despite it. I am not homeless and I am not completely alone. I have my family and I have the Lord. We are to be content in all situations.

Paul had a thorn in his flesh and I don’t know what it was but I know people speculate. It was something he had to deal with and understand that God’s grace is sufficient.  This divorce is our testing. This is the journey God put us on. I did not want the divorce and I tried to stay and fight for my marriage. This divorce was not because of me. It was never my idea but now it is reality and has been for ten years. This is my life and God has plans for me as he does married couples and single people and people whose family has been pulled apart by death and divorce and health and other things. We are not alone in this world. Pray for people. Pray for couples to stay together. Pray for women who are just going through what you are. Perhaps you can comfort them with words of wisdom because of what you went through.  If a married woman asks you for advice, please stay out of it. You do not have experience of a good marriage. Kindly give it to a married woman who is an example of a good marriage. You are now to be an example of a good mother who was divorced and is under the care of the Lord. God’s grace is sufficient.

 Matthew 5:32   But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.

Edit 7/26/14

*Here is some scripture to look up in your KJV bible and see if it helps you understand that others have gone through heavy hurts as well and that we should keep our faith in the Lord. Praising God in tears helped me in the pain. Go for walks and get into nature if you can. Eat healthy Non-GMO and organic food.  Drink purified water. Listen to sermons and hymns and remember that God loves you. 

Habakkuk 3:17-19

Psalm 37 and 73

Isaiah 54:5-8

Genesis 39:30:35

1 Samuel 1:9-28

Remember that the Lord is your strength. It is not what the world teaches and it is something we overlook and do nothing with this truth. The Lord is our strength. You are weak right now and you have no strength but the strength you can attain is in the Lord. Praise Him in good times and bad times. Know that the LORD IS YOUR STRENGTH.

  Exodus 15:2   The LORD is my strength and song, and he is become my salvation: he is my God, and I will prepare him an habitation; my father’s God, and I will exalt him.

2 Samuel 22:33   God is my strength and power: and he maketh my way perfect.

 Psalms 28:7   The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him.

  Isaiah 12:2   Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid: for the LORD JEHOVAH is my strength and my song; he also is become my salvation.


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